Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? Fowl Style
by Nyghtvision
Summary: Old fluff, somewhat embarassingly silly. Freaky random tripe, actually.


Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, Artemis Fowl style   
OR  
Never Let Nyghtvision Eat Sugar While Reading Books and Staying up Way Too Late  
  
By Caspian Nyghtvision  
  
(Author's Note: I'm an anime fanfic writer by definition, and I've never done a book fanfic before. Enjoy, and don't get eaten by flamingos!!)  
  
Disclaimer: I own myself, a Japanese dictionary, explosions, Artistic License, The High Holy Keyboard of Radiant Authorship, giant flamingos, and an ego the size of Jupiter. Swiping my things will result in a voodoo curse whereby giant flamingos shall storm your bedroom in the dead of night and swallow your Internet modem. I do not own any characters that I don't own, no matter how much I would like to. And I don't own any money. If you sue me, you won't get anything. So... no big news there. Besides, if I owned the copyrights to Artemis Fowl... I'd make sure that all of the other writers did too.   
  
_______________________________  
So. Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?  
________________________________  
  
Holly: (clutching head) Must... not... make.... obvious statement about "fowl" play... AARGH! (crumples to ground, whimpering)  
  
Artemis: (evil smile) Well, you see, the chicken's crossing the road was all part of the diabolical plan... (chair collapses in an anime-style dustcloud complete with a nice shot of his twitching feet) Holly: (innocently) Oops.  
  
Mrs. Fowl: Oh Arty dear, there seems to be a chicken in my boudoir.  
  
Artemis Fowl, Sr: (says nothing)   
(Well, the man never gets a line anyway. .)  
  
Caspian Nyghtvision: Because I threatened to disembowel it with a plastic spoon! (sprints out of the fic before she is labeled as a Mary Sue)   
  
Foaly: Hey, it can't do that, it wasn't INVITED!  
  
Commander Root: Stupid Mud Chicken.  
(Nyghtvision: Oh, right. That's creative. (is bonked by some random object) Okay, I'll fall into a coma now...)  
  
Butler: (grabs chicken) I'm not letting you cross the road by yourself. It's too dangerous.  
  
Juliet: (blank) ... Chicken... What chicken?  
  
Artemis: (watching it on vidscreen with traditional evil smile) That's it, chicken. Cross the road and into my little trap. (chair collapses again and he lands in another undignified heap with little stars floating around his head) Ee, sparkly flamingos!  
  
Foaly: Its helmet must have been malfunctioning!   
  
Artemis Fowl, Sr: ANGELINE! (That's his only damn line in the book. And it isn't technically a line either.)  
  
Commander Lucretia Noin of Gundam Wing: I didn't train a chicken to --- Oops, sorry, wrong fic. (sprints out of it before she is labeled as a crossover)  
  
Foaly: I KNEW IT! THE CHICKEN IS STALKING ME! (gibbers and starts pressing random complicated buttons while clutching tinfoil hat)  
  
Commander Root: Okay, I'm letting it go just this once. But let me warn you, chicken, this is highly against the rules. If the council found out you'd been crossing roads... (makes slit-throat gesture)  
  
Holly: Perhaps its standard-issue wings weren't good enough.  
  
Butler: Chicken, I can't pretend I know your reasons for doing this, but I just want you to know, I'm behind you every step of the way.  
  
Nyghtvision: I dunno. Strip poker, anyone? (is bonked again by some random object) Ergh... get your twisted little mind out of the gutter, Caspian...  
  
Artemis: (pressing an icepack to his head and looking more than a little... woozy...) I'll think of some witty, sarcastic and highly evil answer to that in a minute. Can somebody do something about these damn singing flamingos? I don't like the way they're looking at me.  
  
Chix Verbil: Those chicks just can't keep away. Chicks? Get it? Chicks? (is bonked by some random object from offscreen) Hey, can't I get a word in? (is bonked by another, larger, heavier object from offscreen) Honey, ease up on --- (is squashed by a large cast iron bathtub) I feel unloved.  
  
Holly: I can't let the chicken get injured in line of duty! (dashes nobly out into traffic, grabs chicken from impending doom at the tires of an eighteen-wheeler, rolls off the edge of the road, and shields it with her body)  
  
Juliet: What, are we still talking about chickens?  
  
Artemis: (recovered somewhat) I think there's a website that has something to do with this. Anyone seen my laptop? Damn flamingos.  
  
Artemis: The chicken must go. It's getting in the way of my intricate plans for world domination.  
  
Commander Root: I could lend you a few squads to take care of the chicken. But I gotta warn you, it's like killing a mosquito with a machine gun.  
Caspian Nyghtvision: (polishing machine gun offstage and admiring her new stuffed mosquito trophy) HEY! There's nothing wrong with that!  
  
Mulch Diggums: (Yes, he had to be in here,at least once.) Because it couldn't tunnel underneath the road... duh.   
  
Mulch Diggums: (drawing diagram that looks like several molting giant flamingos getting attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes) Okay, this is the road...  
Root: You mean the noodle.  
Mulch: No, if I had drawn a noodle, it would have looked like this. (draws a ball of yarn)   
Root: That's a ball of yarn.  
Mulch: .... It's a rare kind of Pakistani noodle. And this is the chicken.... (points to giant molting flamingo)  
Root: Are you sure that's not a flamingo?  
Artemis: NEVER SAY THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE!  
Root: Which one -- are, you, sure, that's, not, or flamingo?  
Artemis: AAAH!! (rolls on the floor, clutching his head and fending off visions of vengeful flamingos)  
Mulch: (completely oblivious) Then if you add the estimation of feather drag to the ratio of asphalt to tires, then you get this... (draws something that looks like... erm... a pack of vicious weasels getting eaten by flamingos while waiting in line at the supermarket because they didn't review Nyghtvision's fics) Then you can see why the chicken crossed the road. Comprende?  
  
Artemis: (smirk) Because as soon as it crosses the road, I will not let it leave.  
  
Holly: (leafing through her copy of the Book/Fairy Bible) There's no entry about this.  
  
Chix: (miraculously resurrected) Cruisin' for chicks, yeah... They're always prettier on the other side of the road. (is hit by another cast-iron bathtub from above) Hey, hurt me all you like. I know and you know, deep down inside you love me. (is hit by two more cast-iron bathtubs and a cast-iron toilet for good measure)  
(Nyghtvision: . Dammit Holly! Not the toilet! I needed that!)  
(Holly: Didn't do it.)  
  
Foaly: (bored shrug) Well, I suppose if you really wanted me to, I could analyze its brain wave patterns and detect why it desired to cross the road, but... not really worth the time.   
  
Artemis: According to my calculations, the odds of it surviving are 42 to one against.   
  
Holly: The chicken has to cross the road to renew its store of magic energy. Otherwise it'll run dry.  
  
Butler: Damn chicken! It's got some kind of shielding device... The tires are just bouncing off it!  
  
Holly: It was looking for an acorn...  
  
Root: Hey, I don't care, if the mud chicken wants to commit suicide, I say let it.  
  
Artemis: It wasn't a smart fowl. Unlike me.  
Everyone else: (wincing and making "rim shot" gestures)  
  
Grubb: MOMMY! THE CHICKEN IS COMING TO EAT ME!  
  
Trouble Kelp: (offstage) I refuse to take part in this fic. This Nyghtvision woman is just too weird. (is shoved onstage) Uh, to get to the other side? (is eaten by giant flamingos) Ahh! The pain!  
  
Caspian Nyghtvision: (dancing on the rooftop in her usual garb of lit, blinking Christmas tree lights and the Ancient One's Hat... erk, only Ronin Warrior people get that one, I think... and chowing down on random sugar-high foods) BECAUSE IT RAN OUT OF PIXI-STIX! MWA HA HA HA!  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
And the flamingos rejoiced.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Author's Cheerful Rantedy-Rant~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Hey guys! Thanks for reading this! I always sincerely appreciate it. It was one of those completely spontaneous written-at-midnight fics, and if you have enjoyed it, I'm very very very glad. x_# (absent giggle and falls off chair in exhaustion)  
  
Does anyone think a Fowl/ Gundam Wing crossover has any future? Does anyone who reads Fowl know Gundams? Feedback is wholeheartedly appreciated.  
  
(Now see that little button down there? The one that says "Submit Review?" Could you just guide your mouse pointer over it and click? Because otherwise I might have to summon the giant flamingos. And believe me, you don't want that. Plus I'm likely to put in a review for something you wrote in return. It's greatly appreciated and also a safegaurd against giant flamingos suddenly capturing you for ransom.)  
  
(Or you could drop a note to caspian_scholar@hotmail.com where you will be welcomed with loud "EEE!"'s of joy, thanked profusely and granted a flamingo-free year. Especially if I've had way too much sugar-laced iced coffee with melted Lindt chocolate and whipped cream. THEN you'll hear some EEE-ing!)  
  
Yours in The Netherworld, Caspian Nyghtvision 


End file.
